two rails

The truth is that 2018 has been a year of great sadness for me.  I am grieving the loss of a 30 year marriage, lamenting and repenting the brokenness that resulted in divorce, mourning the ripping apart of our family, and missing mh in his absence. 

The truth is that 2018 has been one of gladness for me.  Every single day, there have been gifts and graces from God that I cannot ignore; gifts and graces that call out beauty, speak a word of redemptive love, remind me of hope, cause me to give thanks. 

A good friend who has walked the difficult journey of grief has spoken often of life's two rails.  Pain and Promise.  Grief and Gratitude.  Suffering and Simple joys.

A few weeks back, I had a birthday.  Grief doesn’t really work on a predictable schedule, but one can pretty much guarantee it will come knocking on special days and holidays.   A day that started with tears was interrupted by a friend riding her bike to my house with a giant donut and candles. We laughed and sang, “It’s my party, I can cry if I want to,” and she joined my daughter and me in painting our porch.  The day progressed to be one of the most beautiful summer days we’ve had (low 80’s, no humidity…golden).  I got out in my kayak, took a book in which I’m finding much consolation, smiled at the many texts and facebook messages from kind well-wishers, and ended the day with family and a wonderful meal to celebrate.  Is there a deep wound and sadness?  A profound yes. Is there goodness and gladness in family, friends, good food, a painted porch, nature, a good book?  A profound yes.  Two rails existing in our one life, neither without a great deal of significance if we choose to engage them both.