lean into it

In August, after following my son back to Boulder with a load of his personal items so that he could move into a house with teammates for his second year of college, he and I enjoyed some coffee together for a few hours before I hit the road to come back to Iowa.  

I thought I would be the one being strong for our young adult twins through this divorce, but they have both proven to be strong for me.  They have been listeners, grace givers, forgivers as I've poured out my mistakes and failures to them, and they've been encouraging as I've struggled to find any way forward.  Sara's met me on the floor when I was in a puddle, making me stand and repeat positive sentences back to her, and Nathan spent time with me at that Boulder Starbucks listening to me tell him that I have three words currently.  The words are "wait for it".  Through my tears, I told Nate that I know from experience that God is faithful and that Jesus will eventually refresh and restore me; I just need to trust and wait for it.  Nathan in turn, told me had 3 different words for me: "lean into it".  He reminded me that God and His promises are there and available for me; that I just need to lean into them.  He encouraged me to let go of guilt and sorrow and embrace forgiveness and healing.  He encouraged me with a vision of a good future and a life that waits to be lived large and fully.  

Seriously, when did our children become wise and strong and emotionally intelligent?  

I will attempt to lean in.  You?

fierce....and broken

I have a cousin who has been an incredible part of my pit crew through these dark days of divorce.  On one occasion, I opened up a package from her and found that her encouraging message to me in the form of a framed FIERCE had been broken somewhere in the process of there to here.  

I was about to take it apart so that I could buy a different frame, when I very clearly realized that this was just exactly what I needed- as is- on my shelf.  Who of us has not been broken somewhere in the process of there to here?  Who of us does not need the encouragement that we can be FIERCE right in the middle of that brokenness?  

Thanks, Cousin Kate.  

"Let us then approach God's throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need."  Hebrews 4:16

learning to live well with sorrow

"I did not go through pain and come out the other side; instead, I lived in it and found within that pain the grace to survive and eventually grow.  I did not get over the loss of my loved ones; rather, I absorbed the loss into my life, like soil receives decaying matter, until it became a part of who I am.  Sorrow took up permanent residence in my soul and enlarged it.  I learned gradually that the deeper we plunge into suffering, the deeper we can enter into a new, and different, life- a life no worse than before and sometimes better."  -J. Sittser, A Grace Disguised

"When we plunge into darkness, it is darkness we experience.  We feel pain, anguish, sorrow, and despair, and we experience the ugliness, meanness, and absurdity of life.  We brood as well as hope, rage as well as surrender, doubt as well as believe.  We are apathetic as often as we are hopeful, and sorrowful before we are joyful.  We both mourn deeply and live well.  We experience the ambivalence of living simultaneously in the night and in the light."  -J. Sittser

"The darkness lingers for a long time, perhaps for the rest of our lives."  J. Sittser 

"Is it possible to feel sorrow for the rest of our lives and yet to find joy at the same time?  Is it possible to enter the darkness and still to live an ordinary, productive life?  Loss requires that we live in a delicate tension.  We must mourn, but we must also go on living."  J. Sittser


This is a work that I am very early on the journey of learning about and choosing to do well. Sorrow has been the dominant  and overwhelming emotion in my life of late, but I am grateful for this author who reminds me that I have a choice to embrace and absorb that sorrow into my life in such a way that it can be integrated into a new narrative of which its very presence in my life can create a greater capacity to live and love well.    

the valley of suffering is the vale of soul-making

In May, my good friend's dad passed away suddenly and unexpectedly. I did not know Gerald, but through his loss and funeral, I learned some beautiful things about him.  I learned that Gerald stopped in daily at his Catholic parish to light a candle and to pray.  My friend shared this practice of her dad's in a text to me, and it attached itself to me and would not let go.  I went home and took the unity candle from Mike's and my wedding day out of my cedar chest.  I placed it on the table next to my bed, and I've been lighting it each morning when I make the bed....praying daily to Jesus, Light of the World, to illuminate, reveal, heal in the midst of so much difficulty and darkness found in the lives of family, friends, our community, our world.  Perhaps, these words below might be the greatest prayer for us all...

"And sometimes, when the cry is intense, there emerges a radiance which elsewhere seldom appears: a glow of courage, of love, of insight, of selflessness, of faith.  In that radiance, we see best what humanity was meant to be...In the valley of suffering, despair and bitterness are brewed.  But there also character is made.  The valley of suffering is the vale of soul-making." -Nicholas Wolterstorff, Lament for a Son.

"It is therefore not true that we become less through loss- unless we allow the loss to make us less, grinding our soul down until there is nothing left but an external self entirely under the control of circumstances.  Loss can also make us more.  In the darkness, we can still find the light. In death, we can also find life.  It depends on the choices we make.  Though these choices are difficult and rarely made in haste or with ease, we can nevertheless make them.  Only when we choose to pay attention to our souls will we learn how much more there is to life than the external world around us, however wonderful or horrible that world is.  We will discover the world within.  Yet such attention to the soul does not have to engender self-absorption.  If anything, it eventually turns us toward the world again and makes us more compassionate and just than we might otherwise have been." -Jerry Sittser, p.49 A Grace Disguised

plunge into the darkness

“the quickest way for anyone to reach the sun and the light of day is not to run west, chasing after the setting sun, but to head east, plunging into the darkness until one comes to the sunrise.” p. 42 

A Grace Disguised by Jerry Sittser

“I discovered in that moment that I had the power to choose the direction my life would head, even if the only choice open to me, at least initially, was either to run from the loss or to face it as best I could.  Since I knew that darkness was inevitable and unavoidable, I decided from that point on to walk into the darkness rather than try to outrun it, to let my experience of loss take me on a journey wherever it would lead, and to allow myself to be transformed by my suffering rather than to think I could somehow avoid it.  I chose to turn toward the pain, however falteringly, and to yield to the loss, though I had no idea at the time what that would mean.”  P.42 A Grace Disguised by Jerry Sittser

A Grace Disguised: How the Soul Grows through Loss has been the most helpful reading I've done through the unrelenting pain of losing my husband and marriage.  I have not yet counted a day in the past 8 months that has been without tears, but I have also not yet counted a day in the past 8 months that I've not recognized that I've entered a core space, and that I sense deep meaning and message in the darkness.   Perhaps, I'm flittering close to this truth...

"The soul is elastic, like a balloon.  It can grow larger through suffering.  Loss can enlarge its capacity for anger, depression, despair, and anguish, all natural and legitimate emotions whenever we experience loss.  Once enlarged, the soul is also capable of experiencing greater joy, strength, peace, and love.  What we consider opposites- east and west, night and light, sorrow and joy, weakness and strength, anger and love, despair and hope, death and life- are no more mutually exclusive than winter and sunlight. The soul has the capacity to experience these opposites, even at the same time." p. 48 A Grace Disguised  by J. Sittser

freedom from regret, guilt, and shame

"When you combine a passive guy and an assertive gal, there will be far more than underwear and dishes to wash.  You'll also have a build up of anger or rage to disinfect, a diminished intimacy to cleanse and restore, a loss of trust to reestablish and renew.  And much more."  -Paul and Sally Coughlin, Married But Not Engaged.   FAIL.


Losing mh and living in the reality of a failed marriage is by far the deepest sorrow and greatest regret I've known.  Loss, grief, regret, guilt, and shame have been constant companions of mine these past months, and so I was thankful for my friend, Alice's, teaching this summer.. a gift of grace from the Divine for me one particular morning.  I had not even been able to sit through a full worship service since Christmas without having anxiety overwhelm me to the point of needing to leave the room.  But on this particular day, I stayed through every last powerful word for my soul.  

If you are stuck in the sludge of regret, guilt, shame, be reminded today with this sermon below that we are invited to receive forgiveness and freedom by way of the work done by Jesus, not us, on the cross.  

https://soundcloud.com/ohchurch/greatest-hits-regret-alice-shirey?in=ohchurch/sets/greatest-hits


"We mess up, we sin, and we then give in to this belief that we've messed up so badly that our sin now defines us.  That we are somehow beyond grace, and we refuse Jesus's offer of forgiveness....We flat out say, 'I want guilt and shame to eat at me for the rest of my life.  I'm really interested in self-crucifixion."  -Alice Shirey

"The choice to extend forgiveness is God's.  The choice to live in the power of that forgiveness is up to us." -Alice Shirey

“Our huffing and puffing to impress God, our scrambling for brownie points, our thrashing about trying to fix ourselves while hiding our pettiness and wallowing in guilt are nauseating to God and are a flat denial of the gospel of grace. Our approach to the Christian life is as absurd as the enthusiastic young man who had just received his plumber’s license and was taken to see Niagara Falls. He studied it for a minute and then said, “I think I can fix this.”
― Brennan Manning, The Ragamuffin Gospel: Good News for the Bedraggled, Beat-Up, and Burnt Out

“May a merciful God preserve me from a Christian Church in which everyone is a saint!  I want to be and remain in the church and little flock of the fainthearted, the feeble and the ailing, who feel and recognize the wretchedness of their sins, who sigh and cry to God incessantly for comfort and help, who believe in the forgiveness of sins.”  -Martin Luther

pets help

This crazy cat.  Sammi.  What would I have done without her over these past several months?  Sammi has been a snuggly companion in the midst of my becoming an empty nester and a single person all at about the same time over the course of the past year.  Whether you're a dog lover or cat lover, pets undoubtedly help in the healing process.

"A cat purring on your lap is more healing than any drug in the world, as the vibrations you are receiving are of pure love and contentment." ~St. Francis of Assisi

books help

Books help

I am a reader.  Books inspire me, challenge me, instruct me, and they often offer language that helps me identify, clarify, and process emotions, questions, experiences that I’ve not fully understood or processed.  In the midst of much grief in 2018, God has faithfully provided gifts and graces daily; books included.  Alongside Scripture, here’s a reading list that has helped me in this season of divorce:

The Furious Longing of God  Brennan Manning

Option B  Sheryl Sandberg

Braving the Wilderness  Brene Brown

Married but Not Engaged Paul and Sandy Coughlin

The Disconnected Man Jim Turner

Emotionally Healthy Spirituality Pete Scazzero (emotionally healthy podcasts, too)

Rising Strong  Brene Brown

A Grace Disguised by Jerry Sittser

pit crew

I find that the number one question I’ve been asked after I reveal to someone that I’ve been going through a divorce is this:  Do you have people who are walking with you through this?  Do I ever have people…God has given me the most incredible “pit crew,” as I call them.  This incredible team of family and friends who have been there to service and fill me up with their compassion, prayers, and kindness.

Presence, prayers, listening, cards and notes of encouragement, gifts and getaways, space, and love.  So much love. 

Early on, I talked with our young adult children, and told them to identify their pit crew…that this will be a critical part for their journey and healing through grief.  I have been so grateful for the amazing humans God has placed in the lives of our family.  What an incredible blessing, a true lifeline.  I also mentioned to nh and sh that they in turn will be there in the future for someone else who is struggling due to the help they themselves received in a time of need and the gratitude they have for God’s provision of a pit crew. 

I know that the picture above may seem antithesis to the quote below, but there is a "both/and" to this beloved community.  It consists of both an active carrying of a friend and a quiet holding of a heart.    

From Henri J.M. Nouwen’s The Road to Daybreak: A Spiritual Journey:

“When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives means the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares.”

wholehearted

Through the course of grieving divorce these past six months, I have found that tangibles and rituals seem to offer some bit of help for me.  Early on,  in the midst of considering the broken hearts of my family, I had an image in my mind of four broken hearts in four little dishes that I could see, touch, and pray over.  I even went to a gift shop in March while I was in Arizona, and found marble hearts that I thought would be too difficult to bust up, so I set aside the notion to make this idea tangible, and instead, decided to keep the mental image only.  

Fast forward to a few weeks ago.  I was visiting my friend, Alice, on her porch, and she showed me a book she was reading that she thought I would be interested in reading also.  There, on the cover, was a full marble heart in a dish, much like the image I had had in my mind, but my mental picture had been of a broken heart.  Right then and there I was stopped in my thought life.  Of course.  God longs for us and offers us a life of wholeheartedness.  This Healer wanted to remind me that morning that He desires to take our brokenness and make us new, whole, and fully alive in Him. He would rather my focus and prayers be on Him and newness and wholeness, rather than on me and a fixed gaze on the broken pieces of our lives.   

I shared this God-revealing moment with Alice.  A few days later, I found the book and a whole, marble heart gifted to me on my desk.  I went out and bought 3 more whole hearts.  nh and sh chose their colors, and these hearts sit in a oft visited place on our kitchen counter serving to remind me to pray for wholeheartedness as I look at them and hold each one.  

"Here's what I'm learning personally about wholeness.  I'm learning that it can't be managed.  It can't be scheduled.  It can't be attained in seven easy steps or three key disciplines.  And while disciplines and boundaries and wise life choices are building blocks of a life well-lived, we learn wholeness, more often than not, when our boundaries are shattered, when our disciplines fail us, when our theologies stump us, when our supposedly wise choices betray us.  We learn by un-learning, by stumbling and falling into the very thing we attempted to gain on our own terms.  This, I believe, is the deep wisdom of my Christian tradition.  Like love, wholeness is discovered in a thousand disappointments, embarrassments, and missteps.  It's discovered as our egos are shattered in the inviting presence of Another, One who calls us to belong.  It's experienced as a unity within ourselves and with our world that is indescribably satisfying."  -Chuck DeGroat Wholeheartedness p.7

dancing helps

Sometimes dancing to Fitness Marshall on You Tube is just what is needed.  I've become quite fond of this as a "beating the blues" strategy over the past six months.  Be sure to give it a try:

two rails

The truth is that 2018 has been a year of great sadness for me.  I am grieving the loss of a 30 year marriage, lamenting and repenting the brokenness that resulted in divorce, mourning the ripping apart of our family, and missing mh in his absence. 

The truth is that 2018 has been one of gladness for me.  Every single day, there have been gifts and graces from God that I cannot ignore; gifts and graces that call out beauty, speak a word of redemptive love, remind me of hope, cause me to give thanks. 

A good friend who has walked the difficult journey of grief has spoken often of life's two rails.  Pain and Promise.  Grief and Gratitude.  Suffering and Simple joys.

A few weeks back, I had a birthday.  Grief doesn’t really work on a predictable schedule, but one can pretty much guarantee it will come knocking on special days and holidays.   A day that started with tears was interrupted by a friend riding her bike to my house with a giant donut and candles. We laughed and sang, “It’s my party, I can cry if I want to,” and she joined my daughter and me in painting our porch.  The day progressed to be one of the most beautiful summer days we’ve had (low 80’s, no humidity…golden).  I got out in my kayak, took a book in which I’m finding much consolation, smiled at the many texts and facebook messages from kind well-wishers, and ended the day with family and a wonderful meal to celebrate.  Is there a deep wound and sadness?  A profound yes. Is there goodness and gladness in family, friends, good food, a painted porch, nature, a good book?  A profound yes.  Two rails existing in our one life, neither without a great deal of significance if we choose to engage them both.