identity

I listened to a teaching at church this morning on how we humans become deceived in believing that who we are is found in 1) what we do 2) what we have 3) what others say about us. These addictions of power and position, possessions, and approval make us believe our security and worth is wrapped up in ourselves rather than in the One in whom we find our truest identity.

This afternoon was a beautiful fall day, and as I took our German Shepherd for a walk out on our country roads, I reflected back on the greatest schooling on my identity in my lifetime. Twelve years ago, I was pregnant with our first child and working full-time in a youth ministry position at the church of my childhood. I was steeped in ministry, activities, and relationships at the church, and I was awaiting the arrival of our baby boy right around the Christmas holidays. Everything turned dramatically on a dime. Our son was stillborn, and eight weeks later, not long after my return to work, our church body fell into heavy conflict and division. Six months later, after gut-wrenching months of conflict, I resigned and left the church.

Those months after the loss of our child and the loss of my job found me either sitting in a living room recliner for hours upon hours with my Bible and God or walking the bike trails with our first German Shepherd who has since passed away. God dealt with me about identity to my core. I could no longer base my identity on what I did…what had been a passionate calling from God and a five year investment of my heart and life…was no more. I had experienced the birth of a child and knew what it felt like to be a parent, but I wasn’t doing parenting. I couldn’t base my identity on what I had….I did not have our child, and I did not have ministry as I knew it. I couldn’t base my identity on what people thought or said about me. There were many relationships that suffered through the church conflict, and I received the pain and anger of many people I had known since childhood.

So, there I was, laid out and feeling stripped before God with what was the greatest test of my identity. And in what was the deepest identity crisis of my life, God did the deepest work of my life. When it appeared that I was doing much of nothing for a good portion of the next year, God was actually doing some of his greatest growing of me that I’ve ever experienced. Those times with Him were the richest and most intimate of my experience to date. He rooted me in my identity in Christ, and I really believe it has shaped me differently in what I believe about my life and how I see and define Christ’s Church.

Our teacher this morning mentioned being still…silence/solitude/ceasing…as a counter measure to fight all of our doing. I will testify to this practice with all my heart and life. Quieting my inner and outer self to be centered in God, to hear from God, to remember who it is that really works, who holds the power and plans, and whom I belong to and answer to, is so critical to break the identity lie of I am what I do.